I am soooooo sorry that I haven't updated since November!!! Life has been chaos, stress, grief, and really crappy to be honest..... so I'll start with the worse pain I've ever had in my life.... On December 19th, while waiting for a plane to take us to the city, my dog... my baby.... passed away in my arms. Its been a month and it still hurts like hell. I cry every day and miss him so much. He was only two and a half and I hate that he was taken from me. I know it will get better eventually but right now it's horrible. 48 hours after he passed I got a new puppy. Because I live so isolated and since I was in the city for two weeks for Christmas I rushed to get a new dog while I could. Although she is amazing I'm struggling to bond with her out of fear. I'm so scared of losing her. Hopefully as the pain of his loss lessens, my love and bond with her will grow, but in the meantime I continue to mourn. Onto adoption stuff...... The days that followed the birth mom saying yes were quiet.... way too quiet.... eventually she started talking to me again but it was to tell me that she was no longer sure about placing. So now I'm back to the start. There have been a few other prospective babies but they keep falling through. I still have a tiny bit of hope that she might place but right now I just feel done. I can slowly see my hard work and plans slip away while young women here give birth to one baby after the next. I know in the end I will get a baby, it's just a matter of time.... but right now I am bitter and frustrated by the hand I've been dealt.
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I am officially moving over to this new website. If you have found me here that's great! The website is still under construction and it will take me some time to move all the old blogs over since there is no easy way to do it. In the meantime I will continue to update using this site and on YouTube. As always thanks for your support! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I had a great homestudy meeting, great camp trip and fantastic cruise. TTC Update: I decided to try again. This cycle was BFN and then I have one more cycle and I'm officially done forever. Emotionally I don't like how I feel every cycle whereas when I wasn't trying and was just focusing on adoption I was so happy. I want to be happy again. Adoption Update: I am currently talking to a possible birth mom that is due in early March. She is currently just beginning to think about possibly placing so it might now go anywhere but I'm excited to have a possible lead. The blog is going to be switching over to Wordpress. I'm not liking how blogger is feeling to me so I will be moving it. I am vlogging on YouTube a lot and I'd like to have one site with both the blog and my vlogs. One centralized website would be perfect. I have made a lot of websites in my life but I don't feel like coding one from scratch. I'd much rather just have something similar to Blogger but with more customization. I will post on here once everything is switched and good to go. Heading back home in a week. Going to do some grocery shopping and then on Monday the adoption councilor comes up for my home visit. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I can't wait to be approved!! Once that happens I can get a baby at any time :D Now that I decided to vlog I have been doing a lot of filming. My little Sony Bloggie camera has HORRIBLE audio though. I only got it last year so I'm not sure I'm ready to invest in a new camera just yet. The audio doesn't seem too bad when the screen is facing me (lens facing out) because I am closer to the camera. However when the lens is facing me not only is the audio even worse but it is soooooo quiet. I might try recording the video using it but the audio using my laptop and see how that works but I really don't want to need two different devices just to record a video. I want to be able to vlog while in the city and also while in the hotel. My brother suggested using my cell phone so I might do that. In the city I want to buy two tripods; one big and one table top. Because my phone doesn't have a way to go on the tripod I will definitely need to figure out a way to get the audio working well. I've been looking into digital voice recorders so maybe I'll be able to do that. While in the city I will probably scope out camcorders and see if I want to buy a full sized or compact one for future recording and then just use my Bloggie or phone when I want something smaller. I have a normal Casio camera too that I LOVE for pictures but there is no sound and the video is choppy. Hopefully I will figure out something while in the city. In the meantime check out my channel https://www.youtube.com/user/ChoiceOfMotherhood In the end I decided to vlog. I figure that I can vlog as well as continue to blog. I will probably do a vlog update once a week and continue to blog in between. Once my water comes back on I am hoping to film a introduction vlog as well as a update vlog about being in "limbo" right now. When I upload the vlogs I will also post them here so they stay organized with my blog. So here is my first vlog. It's about the craft stuff I have bought, the things I have made so far, and a onesie I've bought. ...... So apparently it won't let me just add the video here.... not sure why but it's saying it can't be found even though I know it's there so here is the link instead https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9cYWGusMEo I LOVE YouTube! I love all the wonderful moms on there that are vlogging about a ton of different things. My favourites right now are cloth diapering videos, baby product reviews, must-haves, and packing for baby travel. However there are some videos that I'm looking for that just aren't there, especially as a SMC. Also I thought it would be a cool way to be even more open and to document more things. So I did one quick video today to try it out and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. I REALLY wanted to just do an intro one and maybe a "random thoughts this week" one but we have been out of water for two days so I look pretty grubby lol. I think once the water comes back on I will do one. But for now I'm trying to find a way to edit the video since my netbook is super slow and I don't have any other way to edit :P I'm still not 100% sure that I want to start vlogging, I'll see how long it takes me to edit it and how I feel about it in the next few days. When I started this blog (and the daily posts) I needed something to occupy my mind while waiting to try. I wanted to be able to research baby things to take my mind off the fact that I was waiting. Now that I am trying consecutively (and hopefully pregnant!) I have decided to stop the daily posts. I don't feel the need to keep them up, but will post some every so often. I want to have this blog now about my tries, my journey, and hopefully soon my pregnancy. I decided to start this blog to share my journey with others as well as my future child. I recently joined the Single Mothers by Choice forum and noticed a lot of women have blogs. It seemed like a good idea to have a place to share my thoughts, ideas, and other randomness while I'm on this path to motherhood.
My History: Since I was about 15 I wanted to be a single mom. I am extremely independent, barely date, have no interest in marriage. My plan was to have IUI with donor sperm for a first child and adopt for a second. I feel no need to have a biological child but I want to experience motherhood from day 1. In April 2012 I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. I have cysts in both my ovaries and although I ovulate fine I have less than 2% chance of conceiving through IUI. My chances increase to 40% with IVF but the medications will cause the endo to become worse. This led me to explore surrogacy. My friend has been a surrogate multiple times, I was asking her about it and she offered to be mine. She also found someone to donate eggs. My costs will be minimum, donor sperm and the cost to put everything together and into the surrogate. My surrogate has been very successful with her other pregnancies. The only time it didn't work was when the mother insisted on using her own eggs even though they were poor quality. They switched to donor eggs and now have two beautiful girls. Twins are my biggest fear, but we will be taking steps to avoid it. I want to start now, I'm ready now, but my surrogate is not. So here I am waiting.... 1.5 years until we start to try. Hopefully this blog will help pass the time. |
About Me
I am 31, single, and been on my journey to becoming a single mother since 2013. I have struggled with infertility and I am now on the path to international adoption of a little girl with Down syndrome. Come join me on my journey to becoming a mother! Categories
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