This year I decided to take advantage of the Black Friday sales. Grovia has a "Buy 2 Get 1 Free" promotion but because it's only the new prints I can't finish my stash. I thought of just buying the three new prints I like but because I would have to pay for shipping (my order wouldn't be high enough to get free shipping) I would only be saving $10. Since shipping is $10 and I would be saving that by waiting to order it ends up the same whether or not I wait to shop. So in the end I decided to just wait for my shells. I did however, make a purchase. My Ju-Ju-Be diaper bag was on sale for $40 off! Bonus was that the print I LOVE was available. Then I decided to look at the two accessories I wanted and not only were they also on sale (only a few dollars each though :P) but they were available in the print I LOVE!!!!! YAY!!!!! So with the bag and two accessories it was still cheaper than the bag's original price :D. Here's what I bought (the print is Stargyle): I've never seen the Be Quick in Stargyle before so I was super excited that it was available. They also had the Be Neat bib but I didn't really care for the look of it and I figured that I will end up needing a lot more bibs than just one. I also want to hold off on more baby specific purchases until I know I'm pregnant. With the Ju-Ju-Be stuff I know that I can use it no matter what. So this leads into my next thoughts on waiting.... WAITING SUCKS!!!! I wish there was a magically way to know if I am pregnant or not. The unknown is hard. This cycle is the first time I have started feeling like I might not ever get pregnant. I know I haven't been trying that long and that normal couples can take a while but it's still hard to be waiting to find out if it worked or not. If it didn't there is more planning, more timing, and then more waiting. It just sucks. And then back to what if it never happens. Sure there is surrogacy or adoption but both of those take such a huge financial and emotional toll that I don't want to pay. I'd much rather be able to just get pregnant. I am a planner, and once I set my mind on something I make it happen. This is the first time in my life that I feel like I don't have control on whether or not something happens. Sure I am obviously trying to get pregnant but I can't make it happen. I can't guarantee that it will happen. I can't influence it or help it along any more than I already am. I hate waiting. How do I plan when I don't know when (or if) it will happen. It could be this month, it could be five months. Worse yet what if I get pregnant and then miscarry?!?!? Then it's like starting all over again. Will I be able to? This journey is proving to be the hardest thing, emotionally, that I've ever done in my life. I know once I am pregnant it will all be worth it but how long will it take to happen?
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My swimmers did arrive despite the crazy weather today. My donor sent it in two smaller vials instead so I did one right away and I'm waiting until right before bed to do the second one. My OPK was just starting to get dark so hopefully timing is good. It is definitely better than last time when my surge was ending when I was inseminating lol. I don't have egg white cervical mucus yet though so I'm a little worried about that. However this cycle I am trying to do it as "naturally" as possible and since most couples don't worry about having perfect CM I'm not going to either. I'm also not temping or doing my meditations. I did the OPK before the first insemination and I will do another before the second but that's it. I have limited OPKs and pregnancy tests left so I can't waste them. Since I'm pretty sure I will be ovulating tomorrow I won't be able to test until at least December 6th (10dpo). I'm hoping to hold out until the 8th though because by then I should either have my period or be spotting. If nothing is happening then I will test, otherwise I won't be wasting tests. I'm also going to try not to drive myself crazy with symptom spotting. It's a lot easier said than done but I'm going to try. I'm much more optimistic this cycle than last (probably because the timing is better) so hopefully my positivity will radiate to my egg to show the sperm the way! The shipment from my donor is currently in the city, it should be coming up here tomorrow as long as the weather is okay. Today the weather is a MESS so hopefully it calms down. Suppose to be scattered flurries tomorrow. It seems that the mail has been coming either daily or at lease Monday, Wednesday, Friday like it did last year. Fingers crossed it comes tomorrow and then I can get this show on the road again :D Due to a series of (fortunate?) events I have changed my plans for maternity leave. I was originally going to stay with my parents to save money and to have extra help. The new plan is to rent an apartment. It will take a large chunk of my income but it will definitely be worth it. Baby and I will have a lot more space to ourselves and we will have some privacy. Because it will cost me more financially I went over my registry and was able to delete a LOT of things. People will buy me stuff I don't need no matter what so why have it on a list? I striped it down to just want I would REALLY want people to buy me. There is also a nice wide price range from $3.00 to $500.00 and everything in between. If I were staying with my parents I would need to have some things (like bouncer, swing, etc.) for upstairs and some for downstairs. Although I wouldn't be buying two of everything I would be having two of things that served the same purpose. Now my list is down to the basics. I have 10 items over $100.00 and (currently) 40 under $50.00. The items under include 14 from $20.00 to $49.99, 15 from $10 to $19.99, and 11 under $10.00. Some of the items on the under $50.00 list I can easily buy myself later and they aren't REALLY needed but more of items that people can add on or buy a couple of. I did NOT include my large cloth diaper package because it's $500.00 and I feel that it would be better to just buy it myself. Right now Grovia is having stocking issues so it's hard to find places that have the covers I like anyway. Once they are back in stock I might add the package to the list or maybe just some shells, we'll see. Anyway, the decision to have my own apartment was a great one. I won't have to worry about disturbing my family, I will have the freedom to bond with baby as much as I want. My dog will be free to roam like he does now (a big problem when I stay with them is he is in his crate a lot which isn't fair to him). I'm also hoping to get a ground floor apartment so I will be able to take him right outside our door. I'm also hoping to get an apartment close to a mall or a park so I can take baby out a lot, especially if I am pregnant right now because baby will be born in the summer. My only concern is laundry. At my parents' house I would have my own washer and dryer right outside my bedroom but as long as laundry is on-site I don't really care. I'm even more excited about baby than before. I was worried about the lack of space and privacy at my parents' and now I don't need to worry. I can financially afford to do it so why not! It won't be a big apartment, either bachelor or one bedroom, but baby won't care. It will be a lot easier to baby proof because I won't have to worry about stairs. Also I won't need a monitor because it will be one little area. I won't bother to get a landline as my cell phone will be fine, also no TV because I'm doing just fine without it now. I might get internet but since my cell will have unlimited data I might not. I'm hoping to get somewhere small, cheap, all inclusive, but in a safe area. I have seen some really nice ones that are pet friendly so there are plenty of affordable options for me. And my BFF will hopefully come visit me lots! :D After worrying all weekend and today that the sperm wouldn't get here on time it did. No temperature spike last night and I'm pretty sure I have or will ovulate today. Tomorrow's temperature will tell. The sperm was still cold which was surprising given how long it took to get here. The quantity was CRAZY! There was sooooooo much compared to the little vial I got with the sperm bank lol. I'm thinking that next cycle (if there is one :P) I will just have him ship one and do half right away and half 12 hours after. I will just keep the second half with a freezer pack like he did to ship it. I don't think timing could have been much better. I'm super excited and optimistic that it might actually work, if not this cycle than soon, or even just eventually :D Donor said he will work with me until I'm pregnant and for any other children as well. I only want one (and would be thrilled with just one right now!) but it's nice to know that if I change my mind both children would have the same parents. I am hoping to wait out for my period or until November 16th (12 days past ovulation - 12 dpo) since I should get my period on the 15th. That being said I would be okay with being able to wait until next Wednesday or Thursday (9 dpo and 10 dpo) lol. Hopefully with being busy at work this week will go by quick, then I have a four day weekend which will go by quick because I will be googling baby stuff and watching movies. Then just one or two days and then I would be okay with testing :D. I think a lot will depend on how I'm feeling. If I have spotting or cramping that I think might be implantation or if I have a weird symptom like super sore breasts than I think I'll test early (9 or 10 dpo) but if I have nothing I will try to wait for my period. Anyway, let the countdown begin! 0 Days Past Ovulation..... This morning I got a light positive ovulation test (+OPK) but the sperm shipment isn't coming until tomorrow... the weather is suppose to be good and it's been warm lately so hopefully the mail plane will land without issue. I tested again and it's a bit darker..... I'm worried I will ovulate before I get a chance to inseminate. I know that the egg last about 24 hours so as long as I don't ovulate before 5 pm tonight I will probably be okay but I'm still worried... stupid weekend! I think that if it doesn't work out this month, next month I will have my donor ship so they arrive CD12 and 13 instead of 13 and 14. Last month I ovulated late on CD13 when usually not until CD14 and this month I'm only on CD12. Fingers crossed that everything just goes smoothly and I won't have to worry about next month :P. I will still inseminate with both shipments as they arrive because you never know and why waste them. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.... Less than a week until the first ICI, and hopefully not much longer until the sperm meets the egg :D Right now because of weather there has been issues getting mail. Fingers crossed I don't have that issue next week. I'm not sure how long it will take to ship, how long the sperm will last, and if there is even a small chance that this will work but I'm hoping so. This month might be a wash if shipping is messed and the sperm all die but it really only takes one so hopefully that one will make it's way to where it needs to be. Otherwise next cycle I will know for sure what days mail will be coming so I can plan accordingly. But I really hope there is no need for a "next cycle". I'm really excited to be trying again, I hate waiting so much. Although I know it will be hard to live in two week intervals (waiting to try, waiting to find out, then possibly back to waiting to try) I know it will be totally worth it in the end. It's also yet another expense but it's so cheap that I'm not going to worry about it because again it will be worth it in the end. If I wasn't trying to bank as much money as possible it wouldn't be a big deal and once I'm pregnant I will be able to bank the money I would be spending on trying. Right now I bank about 50% of my income a month, which is great because on maternity leave I will only make 55% (plus child tax of about $200 a month). Since I will be living with my parents during that time I will have minimal expenses compared to here. Combined with my savings (which I feel will dwindle quickly once I start buying baby stuff lol) I should have no issue affording the full year of maternity leave. Anyway, I'm excited to get going again, I just want everything to go smoothly and to get two lines on November 16th when I test :D My period decided to come a day early (probably because I ovulated a day early, CD13) .... I'm not impressed..... This means that shipping will be a little more complicated than I'd like. It could be worse but it's not ideal. My donor will send one shipment next Thursday and one next Friday. That means that on should arrive Monday and one on Tuesday. I should ovulate on the Tuesday (CD 14). Although the packages will arrive on time (perfect timing actually since ideally one would come the day before and one the day of ovulation) my concern is the quality of the shipment. My donor has good results and experience with longer shipping times but it still concerns me that it will be about 4 days outside a human body (Thursday afternoon to Monday afternoon). If both packages arrive on Monday I will use the freshest first since it has the higher chance of being viable. I will be using OPKs to see when I ovulate but since I will be inseminating the night I receive each package, the day I surge won't matter much. I am still temping as well so that will be a good indication that I have ovulated. Thankfully I have been tracking for a while and my cycles are extremely regular (+/- 2 days). It's just crazy that time is flying by, that tonight I will be starting my Day 1 Circle + Bloom meditation again. It's only 8 days until the first shipment (and Halloween :D) and 12 until the insemination. Then the VERY long 11+ day wait to see if I'm pregnant or not. If my period/spotting/period symptoms don't start before November 16th (11 dpo), I will test on that day. I think after that I will allow myself to test daily until I get either my period or a positive test. If my period arrives I get to start the fun again.... joy :P On Thursday I sent off the shipping payment to the donor. I'm still in awe that it's only costing me $150 per cycle for two shipments after the (painful!) $1500 I spent on one shipment in the summer. My stomach has butterflies just thinking about how excited I am. There are often times (maybe due to hormones :P) that I want to cry from happiness but can't. I currently have two vacations planned for the summer. One I was more than happy to cancel if I got pregnant but the other I really didn't want to. I figured that if I got pregnant the first try with the new donor I would have to cancel but after that I wouldn't so I was secretly hoping it wouldn't work the first time. I did more research and checked with the moms on the SMC forum and found out that it really isn't a good idea to travel after 25 weeks. Since the vacation was in the US and I am in Canada I REALLY didn't think it was a good idea to be going there after 25 weeks. So I have now decided that I will cancel both vacations if needed. My BFF was really great with making me realize that there will be future years to go on vacation so why postpone trying/hope it doesn't work just to go on a vacation I can go to a future year. Plus with wanting to go to Disney and having baby expenses, not going on the two planned vacations will save me money. I have paid the deposit for the one and I will for the other (if I don't get pregnant next month) just in case I don't get pregnant because I don't want to miss out on a vacation because I "might" get pregnant. My donor is very optimistic that it won't take many tries. I'm REALLY hoping he is right. He said probably four or less and I'm hoping so. Four tries would get me pregnant by January at the latest and due in Octoberish. That is PERFECT timing. Actually first two tries would be PERFECT timing. They would allow me to finish off my work year, fly home before they won't let me fly, I'll have time to get things ready, I would know by Christmas so I could tell everyone then and get maternity clothes while in the city, plus the full moon in September is very auspicious and would be amazing to have the baby blessing ceremony on. I'm glad I have given him the money so now I just have to wait until my period arrives and let him know when to ship. I am using progesterone cream and taking B6 to help lengthen my luteral phase so although my period is due on the 24th, I'm hoping it will be the 25th or 26th. Having it a day or two later would also help with shipping since right now he would need to ship on a Friday and a Monday. The Friday one would be on time but not sure how good the sample would be, the Monday one may or may not be one time. Having it a day later would allow him to ship one on Monday and one on Tuesday, with Monday being on time and good and the one on Tuesday being either on my ovulation day or the day after which still might work given him "super sperm" (my words, not his lol). Anyway, fingers crossed my journey to getting pregnant is a short one!!! I can't wait to start buying baby stuff!!!! Hopefully I will be able to start shopping a little at Christmas :D I ovulate(d) today, which will hopefully be the last one in a while that is wasted. Hopefully my period will come on or shortly after October 24th and I can start the countdown to my next insemination. I'm not sure how the shipping timing will be but hopefully it will work. I'm hoping to have my donor send two shipments. Right now if my cycle starts on the 24th I will ovulate on a Thursday. I would have my donor ship on the previous Friday and on the Monday. Hopefully the packages will arrive by Tuesday (5 days after shipping, 2 days before ovulation) and Wednesday (3 days after shipping, 1 day before ovulation). Since it is fresh and he has had success with 4 day transit times, fingers crossed it will work. Since we are back to using Canada Post I'm not worried about it getting delivered properly like I was with Purolator. Also shipping is costing half the price of Purolator so doing two shipments wouldn't cost much more (only $25 for supplies). I'm really hoping to be pregnant by 2014. I have three cycles by then. My biggest worry still is implantation time. I know I have a short cycle, my luteral phase is only about 11 days. I understand that implantation can happen early and also that my cycle might be longer certain months but I'm hoping I won't have to try a million cycles to get it right. I'm really excited about using a known donor. It's so relaxing to know that if one cycle doesn't work I can just try again the next. Because I will go from waiting to ovulate to waiting to see if I'm pregnant and then right back into waiting to ovulate, I won't have these long periods of time where I'm just planning to try. Although it will be horrible if month after month I'm still not pregnant it will be nice to know that I can keep trying and that it's not costing me a small fortune every month. In fact if I was paying for a frozen donor I would never be able to afford it every month. Now that I have all the supplies I need for at less two to three cycles all I have to pay for is shipping and my donor's supplies. For each shipment it will cost $75 so if I decide to do two shipments per cycle it will only cost $150. That's a savings of 90% compared to a frozen donor. I would have to try for 10 cycles with my known donor to equal the same cost as one cycle with a frozen donor. It also means that I will have more money for baby once I am pregnant. If I'm not pregnant in a year I will probably switch to using my surrogate. But given that I have a 25 day cycle that means I will have 14 cycles to try. That will be 14 LONG cycles if I'm not pregnant by the end of it. I don't know why but I love knowing the stats of everything. Knowing how much each cycle will cost, how much I will save, how many cycles, etc. brings me peace. At my age, with proven sperm, I shouldn't have issues getting pregnant. My donor said I shouldn't have any issue getting pregnant within the first 4 cycles. That puts me at January. It's really crazy to think that there is a good chance I will be pregnant by then . That means there is a very good chance I will be having a baby in 2014. Since I want to go to Disney in January or February during the first year that means beginning of 2015.... crazy! Maybe it's the hormones, but I'm just so incredibly hopeful that this will work. I was hopeful with the frozen donor but not knowing when I would be able to try and how many cycles I could afford it was looking like there was no end in sight. Now with having the known donor I'm just so happy, so free, so excited, so everything positive, that this was the baby I was meant to have. When I was getting my cat, I didn't get the one I originally planned. When getting my dog, I didn't get the one that I planned. Now with the baby I am trying to conceive a baby I didn't originally imagine myself having. But now it just seems so right. The new names I picked seem like they were meant to be. My mom, who always had a joke/comment/song about every name I picked had nothing negative to say about my new names. In fact she LOVES the girl's middle name I picked. I accidentally called my dog the first name I chose (same for both genders) the other day. It just seemed so right. Today I bought stuff I know I shouldn't have. I bought some craft stuff to make a countdown for my parents (XX weeks/days until we are grandparents), an age counter for photos (XX days/weeks/months/years), and letters for making the baby's name (since the ones I bought to the initials of the name I originally was going to use no longer matter). A few weeks ago I also bought beads to make a name bracelet. I can't wait for everything to come so I can start making things. I wish I knew how to knit better so I could make some baby things other than a blanket lol. I also bought a personalized onesie (actually two :P) but I didn't. I allowed myself to buy the craft stuff instead. I told myself that I can order the onesies once I know for sure I am pregnant. Hopefully that means I will be placing an order mid-November :D This upcoming try I'm going to try to put off testing. Last time I was obsessive with it. This time I want to relax and enjoy it until either my period comes, or it is late. I want the feeling of hopefulness as long as possible. I don't want to have a negative test later in my cycle and lose hope, then be depressed while waiting for my period to come. I want my period to act as the switch to restart my planning, not a negative test. Anyway, that was a much longer post than I intended. I hope to have great news by Christmas :D |
About Me
I am 31, single, and been on my journey to becoming a single mother since 2013. I have struggled with infertility and I am now on the path to international adoption of a little girl with Down syndrome. Come join me on my journey to becoming a mother! Categories
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