I'm spotting and most likely "out" for this cycle. I know timing wasn't the best this cycle because I ovulated on a Sunday. This meant that the sperm was "old" by the time I inseminated. The cycle I got pregnant I had "new" sperm two days before and one day before ovulation and the day after. This time I had "new" sperm four and three days before ovulation and two days after. Too much time before ovulation and after. The third shipment when missing and didn't arrive until a WEEK after it should have, therefore much too late. Next cycle I will be ovulating on a weekday or worse case on a Saturday so it should be much better. That being said I am still wondering "how much longer?" How much longer before I get pregnant again? How much longer until I have a VIABLE pregnancy? How much longer until I have a baby in my arms? How much longer can I physically deal with these failed cycles? How much longer can I emotionally deal with these negative cycles? How much longer before I just go crazy? How much longer until I am no longer heart broken at each negative? My current plan right now is to keep on going until I just can't. I'm planning IVF for summer 2015 (summer 2014 will not work due to time constrains as well as finances) but in the meantime I'm just going to keep going. I want a break from the roller coaster but I feel like if I get off I will regret it the whole time. I will just wish that I was on it, just to have those two weeks of hopefulness. The two week wait isn't the hard part for me; it's the time from when I know I'm out to when I do my next insemination. Taking a break would mean that I have that horrible time be extended. So all I can do right now is what I'm doing. Until I can afford IVF or another option this is all I can do.
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I can’t believe that this is my sixth two week wait. Sometimes if feels like I just started TTC but other times I feel like it’s been forever. I really thought I would be pregnant right now. I had in my mind four cycles. Four cycles is what it would take me to get pregnant and have a baby from it. Here I am at cycle number six waiting to see if maybe this one worked. I know last cycle technically “worked” since I did get pregnant but since I didn’t get the outcome I thought I would it doesn’t “count”. Although it technically hasn’t been six months because my cycles are not thirty days it feels like I’ve been trying for that long. I guess I have since my first cycle was July and it’s now February but I did have some cycles off in between the AD and KD. I also understand that a lot of women try for years so I shouldn’t complain about six months but it’s just hard to go cycle after cycle without anything to show for it. I use my Facebook profile to keep those that know I’m trying in the loop so I don’t actually have to tell them where I am in my cycle. I’m so tired of changing it…. I just want to be able to change it to the picture that they are all waiting to see. Because last cycle was chemical I did use a different picture because I felt I needed something that didn’t mean my period but also didn’t mean I was pregnant. It was nice to have a change but I want it to be a good change. I’m really hopeful this cycle though. I feel that using the soft cup really helps to keep the sperm by my cervix for longer. Also I feel that having the multiple inseminations and shipments is much better than me just having one. My only concern with this cycle is that only one of my shipments has come and I already ovulated so the other two are basically a waste. Also the first shipment came on Thursday and I ovulated Sunday. I did a lot of inseminations though so I hope there was still some sperm living by the time I ovulated. I’d rather have a shipment come the day before and/or of ovulation but I will take what I can get. Sperm can live a long time, especially in the right conditions. It was shipped on Monday and the first insemination was a day earlier than usual so some sperm was in me, in good CM and pre-seed then. After that it just needed to live in me for a few days longer. I really hope this cycle worked but if not I hope there will eventually be a good cycle where all the pieces fall into place and I not only get pregnant but stay pregnant. Just wanted to give a quick update. I will be filming TMI Tuesday soon and will post that video as soon as possible. In the mean time I just wanted to let you know that today is cycle day one…. my pregnancy is officially chemical. Although it is horrible and definitely not the way I wanted it to end, it also brings me some hope to know that although this was not the one that I can get pregnant and it is hopefully just a matter of time. This was the first cycle that I did three inseminations and also the first that I used the soft cup. I feel like now that we have the timing and process down it will happen again. When it does it will hopefully stick. Last night (just after supper) I randomly decided to take a pregnancy test. It had been about 4 hours since I last peed and I hadn't drank a lot during that time. While staring at the test I thought I was getting “line eye” but then I realized it REALLY was there! I posted it on Countdown to Pregnancy and right away everyone was saying it was positive. Even now the votes are still 0% negative . I took 4 more tests since then and they are all positive. However they are fainter than the first. I’m thinking because I didn’t hold my pee for as long and I have been drinking more (since now I’m super worried about how dehydration might hurt baby!). I’m going to keep testing daily and hope that the line gets darker. I’m only 10 dpo today so it’s super early. I am terrified it will be chemical but it’s such a relief to know that sperm met egg and implanted. I told my mom using a cute egreeting but haven’t heard back. I’m worried that she is going to be upset since earlier this fall she said that me getting pregnant would ruin her life. Anyway, whatever happens I will deal with it as it comes. I’m going to keep testing with the cheap sensitive tests and hope they get darker. If they do I plan on using my digital “Pregnant/Not Pregnant” test as soon as the 20 iu/ml test is pretty dark. Fingers cross it sticks!!!! Estimate due date: October 8th, 2014 4 dpo..... took a pregnancy test this afternoon because my stomach has been acting up but of course it was negative lol. I had a flu shot so it's probably just something I ate. This cycle I did three inseminations. One CD 12, one CD 13 and one a little late due to weather delaying the package on CD 16. I'm 99% sure I ovulated on CD 14 so the last insemination didn't really matter. For the first insemination I did it like usual for almost all of it but then I used a soft cup for the last little bit. The second insemination I did half and half. The third I was lazy and put it all in the soft cup but then spilled a lot of it while inserting it. I've cut out almost all gluten (I'm just finishing up the bread that I have) and all dairy (just finishing the cheese I have) and I must admit that I've been feeling a lot less bloated. I did have my usual ovulation pains but I hadn't been off of the gluten and dairy for long before ovulation. I'm not eating any red meat, eggs or soy either so I'm hoping it will help a lot. We'll see if it really makes a difference when/if (hopefully not!) I get my period. I know it can take a while to see any major changes in pain but so far it hasn't been that hard. The only thing I haven't cut out was sugar because that is super hard for me. I'm hoping to slowly reduce my sugar intake once I get the rest of the things out of my system and into a good routine. Test day is Saturday (10 dpo) and then every morning after that..... Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been traveling and it's much harder to post.I also haven't been filming for my vlogs so I will have to catch up a bit there too. I'm currently in my two week wait for attempt number four. I only did one insemination this cycle and I did it differently. The timing was good though because it was about 24 hours after my positive opk. I was going to test today but forgot so I will test on Saturday. Today is my birthday and hopefully my last one without a child. Now that I'm trying every cycle I am more confident that I will get pregnant eventually. Hopefully it's right now or soon lol. Hope everyone has a safe and happy new year's eve! My period finally arrived today. Although I am not impressed with it being late it does mean a few good things. First of all it is good for timing the next cycle. I will be having a few days of travel right before Christmas so having my period starts today means that I can have my donor ship to my destination instead needing to inseminate a few days before ovulation. Secondly a long cycle is EXACTLY what I was trying to achieve. My previous two attempts were basically a "waste" because even if fertilization occurred, implantation couldn't because my cycle was too short. This cycle I had a nice long luteal phase which allowed plenty of time for implantation. As long as the B6 and progesterone cream continue to work in making my cycle longer I shouldn't have any issues with not having enough time to implant. If attempt number 4 doesn't work (I'm not sure it will given the amount of travel chaos/stress and junk food I will eat in the city) there are a few changes I plan on making: 1) More inseminations. I am thinking of going back to two inseminations or maybe even do three. It won't cost me a TON of money more ($75 per extra insemination) but might make the difference in terms of timing. I need to look into some "intercourse" timing calendars to see how often I should be inseminating aka "having intercourse". Obviously most couples have sex more than just once a month when they are trying to get pregnant so I'm thinking that maybe I should be inseminating more than just once a month. It will be more stressful in one way because I will be waiting for more than one package but it will be less stressful in another way because I won't be so worried about a package getting here on a specific day. 2) Endometriosis Diet. Although my doctor says I shouldn't have any issue getting pregnant because I don't have damage to my tubes/uterus/etc. I still don't want the endo to be the reason I'm not getting pregnant. There are so many other things to worry about that I don't want that to be one of them. So once I return from the city I'm going to start the endo diet. I'll admit that it sucks and is super restrictive, but it also works. The goal is to reduce inflammation and promote healing. 3) Fertility supplements. I was taking fertility supplements from May to July but then stopped when that try didn't work. I left them in the city because I was not expecting to be trying here. When I come back here I will bring them back with me and start taking them again. I might start taking the cleanse one as soon as I get to the city but we will see. I also have a fertility tea that I will start using. I only have enough supplements to last me two months. Once they run out I will probably stop using most of them (cleanse, egg boost, tea) and just stay with the main one. Also there have been some endo specific things that I have been reading about that I will probably start once those supplements run out. I don't want to start the new ones while taking the other ones because I don't want to duplicating ingredients. 4) Circle + Bloom. I have done it before but never consistently. I'm going to try to do it this cycle but with travelling and being busy in the city I'm not sure I'll be able to. I might get the "natural" cycle one, which is the one I should have used before instead of the IUI one since I am doing it unmedicated but the goals and visualizations are the same idea and I'm not sure I want to spend another $60 on something that is relatively the same. So that's my plan for January. Hopefully my December cycle works and I won't have to think about it lol. I will probably still try some of the endo diet stuff since it can't hurt. Also post-baby I will want to follow it because I want the endo to stay away as long as possible. It will be easier when I'm on maternity leave because I will have healthy, yummy ingredients readily available. I will also be doing Circle + Bloom while pregnant, it will just be the pregnancy version instead :D. I was going to include some stuff about the endo diet but I'm going to make that a separate post instead. Like I said in the post just before this one, I plan on following the endometriosis diet starting in January. I'm waiting to start then because I'm only in the city twice a year; Christmas break and summer break. This is the ONLY time I get to have fast food and a lot of foods that I'm been craving. Also starting in January allows me to do some shopping in and city and online to prepare. Once I know what I'll be eating I can just reorder stuff as I need it. Here are the main points of the endo diet and my thoughts about how what my plan is. Bad Things to Avoid Eating The main "not allows" are gluten (or at least no wheat), red meat, dairy, sugar, soy, caffeine, and processed foods. Gluten: Probably will be the hardest. I live off of bread, cereal, and pasta. However I've been looking into having food shipped from Amazon (because the grocery store here hasn't been having stock) and they have a lot of gluten free pastas and whatnot. Oatmeal (rolled oats) are technically gluten free but may be cross-contaminated. However, for me, oatmeal is my BEST option because it is readily available at my grocery store, it's fast to make and therefore a good alternative to cereal in the morning, and I like it lol. Bread will be difficult but I will have to find other "lunch" options. Also for lunch and/or dinner I can have brown rice or quinoa as my grain instead. Red Meat: When living in the city I don't usually eat a lot of red meat, mostly chicken or turkey. However, up here "white" meat is very limited. We used to be able to get chicken breast but the new owners of the store haven't been buying any. Technically with the endo diet all meat should be organic and grain-fed but if I'm even lucky enough to get chicken it definitely won't be organic or grain-fed. I might be able to see what the city has and order it up but it will be for a high price and therefore will be limited amounts. Since meat should be limited anyway this shouldn't be a big problem. Dairy: I'm lactose intolerant and therefore shouldn't be having dairy anyway. But up here soy products (which is what I usually have) aren't available so I have been consuming WAY too much dairy the past year and a half. Since I will be switching from cereal in the morning to oatmeal, kicking milk out shouldn't be too big of an issue. Cheese on the other hand will be harder. Also margarine.... but I will replace that with coconut oil for cooking/spreading/etc. Goat and sheep dairy is also fine to eat. Sugar: I'm addicted to sugar. I am fully aware of my addiction and although I have tried to go sugar free in the past I have always failed and then started binging on it. Where I live now it's a bit easier to resist temptation but I still do consume it. I think I will have to get some frozen fruits and start making some snacks with them. Goji berries are super good in the endo diet so I will probably be getting a lot of those to help with my sugar issues. Also raisins. Soy: I have a HUGE box of soy beans in my cupboard because my plan was to keep making soy milk. However convenience has been winning out and I've been just buying cow's milk at the store. Since dairy is not allowed I would have liked to be able to make soy milk. However with soy also not allowed I have no clue what I'm going to do with all the beans in my cupboard lol. I kind of feel guilty for spending all that money on something I'm not using but it's not good for my body. I also bought a tofu press because somewhere in my imagination I was going to make tofu. I think what I need to do is just not think about it as waste. There are a billion things I have bought and not used, especially food. Instead I should feel like I'm investing in mine and baby's future by not consuming it just because I feel I need to. I'm going to look into if I can make almond or some other nut milk with my soy milk maker because then I won't feel like I'm wasting the maker and also I won't be paying so much for almond milk on Amazon. EDIT: I can make it in my maker just the same way as I make the soy milk :D EDIT #2: I was looking at the price of almonds versus just buying pre-made milk. Almonds would cost me about $5 per litre whereas pre-made is $3. The pre-made does have added ingredients so it won't be as "pure" as making my own but it is also less work. I can buy enough for the whole month and because it is shelf stable I can just use one litre at a time as needed. Because I won't be using it for cereal every day (unless I find a good gluten free, sugar free one) I probably won't be using it like I do cow's milk. Cow's milk costs $10 for 4 litres and almond would cost $12 for 4 litres so it's not that much of a price difference compared to the health benefits. Caffeine: Since I have cut out a lot of caffeine already I don't think this will be a huge issue. While in the city it would be because I plan on enjoying candy cane hot chocolate and some french vanillas but once I'm back up here my beverage options are limited. I haven't bought coffee in over a month so I will continue that. I do like tea so I will either continue to drink that or drink something like mint tea that would be better. The only think I can see being an issue is that I asked my mom for some hot chocolate and latte things for my Tassimo for Christmas. However I can still enjoy them in moderation (like once a week as a treat), or hold off until I'm pregnant (and then enjoy in moderation). My other issue is chocolate. As a sugar addict I LOVE chocolate. Since I am cutting out sugar, this shouldn't be too big of an issue. Also raw chocolate is actually GOOD for endo so I can also enjoy that in moderation. Processed Foods: While in the city I plan on enjoying fast food and restaurants as much as possible. It have been four months since I've been able to have any and will be six months until I can enjoy them again. Once back up here fast food and restaurants will be totally eliminated. Processed food though is a bit harder. 99% of what is sold in our store comes in a box or a can. Even most of our meat is in a processed form (chicken fingers, pre-cooked meats, etc). I was doing Nutrisystem but I have stopped that now. I have a bunch of the food left but it will be a "when I truly have nothing else to eat" option. I will have to get used to cooking my own foods from scratch. I have a feeling my slow cooker is going to get some good use :D. Good Things to Eat There are a few good things to focus on eating; fruits, vegetables, white meat, nuts, seeds, natural foods. Fruits and Vegetables: I am not really a picky eater and actually love fruits and veggies. Fresh is very limited here but I can get canned and frozen. I think the majority of my grocery money will be spent here. White Meat: When eating meat it should be white and also should be organic and grain-fed. When the store even has chicken breast it is definitely not organic or grain-fed. I think I am best to limit my meat all together but I am looking to see if the meat place that can deliver here has better chicken options. My friend has been struggle with the store to get chicken breast so I think she and I would be able to just do a big order together. Nuts and Seeds: All nuts (but peanuts, not sure why) are amazingly good for endo. Also seeds as well. I am hoping to get some almonds and make almond milk to replace my soy and cow's milk. I might also get some almond butter to use as a snack with crackers or something. Chia seeds and flax seed are also very good so I plan on adding them to things like oatmeal. Natural Foods: Basically most unprocessed, natural foods are good to eat. There are some exceptions as listed above but most are fine. Eggs are another food that is good to eat. Again it is recommended to eat organic but that is not an option where I live and also it's not something I could have shipped in lol. Goji berries as mentioned before are a good natural super food to eat. Plans for Shopping Other than the fruits and vegetables which I will buy at the store, and maybe the oatmeal, I am hoping to buy everything online or from the butcher in the city (if they have chicken...). Some of the websites I plan on using are: Amazon.ca: Not a large variety of food options for Canada but they have cheaper options for some things as well as free shipping for a lower minimum. Well.ca: I feel like Well has a larger selection than Amazon for grocery items. However because of my remote location shipping will be $20.00. That's not too bad as long as I'm buying enough things to make it worth it. TrulyOrganicFoods.com: Although they are pricey, I'm guaranteed that my food is organic and good quality. They also have a ton of options for foods I will be ordering. They offer free shipping over $99.00, they say it excludes the territories but I don't know if it excludes remote areas as well. Either way they have great options for foods. Other Thoughts Cost: Even though the food is likely to be more expensive at first, if I buy in bulk I will save money on things like shipping. Also I was spending $300 a month on Nutrisystem. Even with paying more for some organic items I will probably still be spending less than $300 a month. Even if I'm not it will be well worth it for the health benefits. Weight: I'm not going to lie, I am hoping I will also lose weight. Although my doctors (my endo specialist as well as my GP) don't feel that my weight will cause any problems with getting pregnant or having a healthy pregnancy, I don't want it to be a possibility. The truth is that I am morbidly obese and even losing a little weight will help me and baby, prior to conceiving, while pregnant, and in the future. Eating "Out": I currently eat at a friend's house once a week. Although she tends to cook with a lot of vegetables it is also high in fat, sodium, carbs, and dairy. Most of the time it is also beef. Plus she almost always gives me some to take home. This will have to stop. Even if she is willing to make some modifications to her cooking, I highly doubt she will follow it as strictly as I plan on. Plus I can guarantee she will cook something, even just dessert, that I can't have and then pressure me into eating it. Even though she knows I don't consume aspartame and told me there was none in the drinks I drink there, I found out later that there is. Not that I don't trust her, but I don't think she pays attention enough to ingredients to guarantee I won't be having something I shouldn't be. Plus I don't want her to feel pressured to cook something specific just because I am choosing to follow a strict diet. It is much better for me just to cook my own food and either eat at home or bring it there. Water: Although I do drink a lot of water I want to make a conscious effort to drink even more. This is one thing that I will be starting immediately and will do in the city. Nothing cleanses the body better than water. It helps to flush out toxins and keep everything "flowing". So that's my thoughts/plans about the Endometriosis diet. Most of the "avoid" foods cause inflammation and symptoms to be worse while the "eat" foods help reduce inflammation and promote healing. I don't think that this will be easy to do or follow given both my sugar and food addiction but I know it will be worth it. I think it is much easier to do here than in the city because I do not have fast food and I can easily avoid going to the store. If I don't buy it I can't be tempted to eat it so if I can survive going to the store I will be fine. I will probably only shop once a week or less, and I will only bring enough money to buy what I plan on getting like fruits and vegetables. When I go to pick up my packages at the store I will leave my money at home and therefore I won't be able to shop! Hopefully this helps a lot now and in the future :D I'm not sure why but the time was much harder to deal with than the previous two. I was trying not to get my hopes up but clearly I did since now that I am spotting I am an emotional wreck. I went back to my obsession with looking at other options (adoption, IVF, surrogacy etc.) but I came right back to the fact that this is the cheapest and best method for me. The earliest I would be able to try something else would be July... that is at least 7 or 8 cycles from now. What I need to do now is not worry about other options until they are actually available to me. "Normal" couples can take up to a year to conceive, so why should I (with known fertility issues!) take only three cycles?!?! I know that I just want to hurry up and be pregnant, especially since timing maternity leave (and my planned Disney trip!) involves having a baby by October or November. However, that still gives me three more cycles before timing is less than "ideal". And if I decide to come back here to work then when I start maternity leave doesn't matter, the end does but I can save up enough money to last me until I can start a new job. It's just really hard to see all these women here pregnant and having kids that are taken from them and put into care because drinking and doing drugs is more important to them. One teen just had a baby in April and then got pregnant again her next cycle! Of course she is having sex, not inseminating and maybe I need to do more inseminations? Maybe if next cycle doesn't work I will go back to two (or maybe even do three) inseminations. At only $75 an insemination it's not like it's breaking the bank. I also need to work harder on losing weight. Although it's not proven that weight causes fertility issues (other than PCOS) and my doctor said my weight isn't an issue, I'd rather lose weight for me and baby. I know I can work harder on that, I know I need to stop my emotional eating. My spotting hasn't officially started yet, I only know that it will start soon because when I checked my cervix there was some blood in the cervical mucus. If my period is coming I want it to start tomorrow or Wednesday. Those would give the most idea days for the next insemination. Still waiting.... today is CD25, 12 dpo so I am NOT complaining. Considering I was lucky to have 22 days I'm super excited that this cycle is more normal. Yesterday's test was an evaporation line and today's was a clear negative. I only had two tests left over from last cycle so now I don't know what to do. I can either just wait to see if my period shows and if it doesn't soon I can either go to the nursing station or I can wait until I'm in the city in two weeks (which if I have no period still I REALLY hope I'm pregnant!). The other option if to order more tests. I'm kind of against this one because they may not come before I leave for the city or my period may show up and then I've wasted money on tests. So for now I think I'm just going to wait it out and be happy that I've had a longer cycle. That being said, if my period starts today, tomorrow or Tuesday it will really mess up my timing for my next cycle. I am in a hotel for three nights and if my period starts in these three days I will ovulate while at the hotel. Ideally my period won't come at all but if it does I hope it waits until Wednesday or later :D. I'll keep you posted! |
About Me
I am 31, single, and been on my journey to becoming a single mother since 2013. I have struggled with infertility and I am now on the path to international adoption of a little girl with Down syndrome. Come join me on my journey to becoming a mother! Categories
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